Update(s) Part II

Greetings from the house of tears! LOL, I am kidding, not really but we are okay! So, here is the latest and greatest on all things drama at Casa Carr.

Bev's dad remains in the hospital with surgery scheduled but we aren't sure for when because his blood is too thin at this point. He is more stable and alert than last update so that is good. He has to have surgery on his lungs to clear away infections and various other things that are rather gross! We hope they can move forward with surgery soon but they are looking into why his blood won't get thicker first.

Onto Charlie. As a family, we have decided that we cannot move forward with Charlie. It was the most difficult decision we have had to make ever...for both of us. We had some good talks with DCF over the week and have finally decided today that with the info we have right now, we cannot make a commitment to taking him in. We did tell DCF that if he is not placed with another family by the time they completed their evaluation of him, we would reconsider once we have more information. DCF was very thankful about the time and thought that we put into this and were very understanding...surprisingly. As we talked about it, the risks for everyone were too high and we feel comfortable that this is the right decision for us.

We will take some time to be sad and heal and then we will open our hearts to this process with the hopes of being match with a child that is a better fit and that we can provide a forever family to. Thank you all for your support through this, it has been a gut wrenching process but something that has allowed us to grow together and prioritize what is best.

Update(s)

Sorry to have taken so long with this recent update...but Bev's Dad has landed in the hospital with some significant illnesses and Bev has been up at the hospital most days this week...likely to continue for a while. Her dad is scheduled for surgery today and is struggling with pneumonia and liver issues. Unfortunately his condition has rendered him incapable of making decisions for himself so Bev and her brother have become the decision makers for him regarding surgeries and his care, which is a scary responsibility. So, we will keep you posted on that as well...when it rains it really DOES pour.

Onto Charlie...Gabe called DCF Monday and they are sticking to their guns about moving him in before the eval is done, but at least they were able to give some decent reasons. Here they are:
~The RAD Eval is a 2 session process with the results not likely to come back until mid December. DCF cannot wait that long to place the little man.
~Charlie is doing MUCH better as he has adjusted to the safe home. He has attached to other kids there and is much more compliant with the rules...so much so that they feel he is ready to tackle preschool. (to work on those letters and numbers)

So, we have until Friday to decide our intent with him and then we need to let DCF know. With everything else going on it has been hard to think about what we should do but we are hoping it will come to us in our sleep...which we aren't getting much of. LOL

We will let you know by the end of the week.
Until then...

Before you ask...

Well, we have just returned home from our camping weekend and before you ask....Charlie did not come with us on Saturday. There was no visit. Here is why. DCF has agreed to have an evaluation done per our request to see if Charlie in fact has attachment issues. Unfortunately the eval cannot be done until 11/11. At first we were like, cool, that is fine, he can come and stay here until then and we will see what happens. Then we stopped and rethought that. This plan would entail us having 2 weeks with him living here with us before we know if we can seriously commit to him longterm. If in fact, we could not commit, it would be gut wrenching to have him leave after living here for 2 weeks.

So we put a call into DCF with the request of not moving him in completely until after the eval was done, which is a total of 11 days difference. (They want him here by Halloween). We waited for a call back from his DCF worker, but our worker called instead with the message from his worker. (His worker REALLY has been lacking in the communication department with us) I believe the message went something like this, "DCF has decided that it is not in Charlie's best interest to wait until after the eval is done to move. If you cannot commit to taking him by the end of October, before the eval is done, DCF needs to move onto the second family they picked for him". Silence on my end...11 days difference and an eval that is SO important to us and they are basically telling us 'do it our way or we move on'.

Our DCF worker was super supportive but basically told us there was nothing she could do to alter this but if we wanted to call Charlie's DCF worker's supervisor we could do that..although the supervisor was involved in this decision so it may not make a huge difference. So we cried a bit and thought about what on earth we were going to do for his visit the next day. We slept on it and Saturday morning called the Safe Home and told them we would not be picking Charlie up. Neither one of us could see bringing him out for the day and enjoying our time together if in fact he may not really be coming here. So we canceled the visit and hoped it didn't upset him. We didn't get to actually speak to him.

Our next step is to call DCF and see if they will work with us for the difference of 11 days and TRY to convince them to see where we are coming from in that this is a huge decision for us and we just want as much info as possible before we commit to the little guy.

So it was not the MOST fun camping weekend we've ever had, but it gave us some perspective and some time to think about what we really want and that we are not going to only do this the way DCF wants it done. There are 2 parties that have to match each other, not just one. This is our family too and we want to make sure everyone is a good fit!

I am sure it is not the post you were expecting...us either..but we will keep you posted on the progress!

Also known as Bevelina

We had another visit with Charlie today. We took the afternoon off and he was thrilled when we got there running up to greet us. Today Bev became Bevelina. Seriously, that is what he called her all day, in complete sincerity and seriousness!
We went to the library to read and play. He did great. We played some, read some, and did puzzles. He read some books on shapes and colors, which is what he is best at but had a harder time with his numbers. We stayed for about 2 hours and then had to head back. He didn't want to leave and had a little tantrum, but it lasted all of 90 seconds and we were off.
He loves his new booster seat for the car and he he told it so and kissed it when he got out. We sang songs on the way back to the safe home, mostly nursery rhymes that he likes. But we did have the radio on briefly and he bobbed his head to a "rock" song he liked. FYI - It was Prince, Little Red Corvette. Made me warm inside to know he digs Prince!
We talked to him about going camping with us Saturday and he seemed excited but who knows! We even read a camping book at the library and he got super excited to cook marshmallows!
So that is our plan, pick him up Saturday around 11 for the day and tire him out in the great outdoors! Until then...

3 whole hours...

Today was a beautiful day outside, very nice for a visit with our friend Charlie. We arrived at the safe home to pick him up for lunch and he ran to greet us saying, "My friends are here". He also got his hair cut today. Looks very nice!
We all hopped in the car...him in to the new booster seat we bought for him..who knew...and headed to Friendly's for lunch. We figured what better place to stimulate a kid and see how he does. Happy to report he did great. He ate all of his Grilled Cheese and Applesauce...sometimes dipping one into the other. He told us he never wanted another cucumber AGAIN, meaning his pickles...which Bev happily ate for him. Each time she ate one he gasped with disbelief and crinkled his nose at her!
For the past 2 days he has stayed dry in his pull ups, telling the safe home staff when he needs to pee. He did the same with us today, and went on the toilet at Friendly's.
After he ate, we had some ice cream...I am telling you we were at Friendly's for over an hour and we just chatted, colored and ate happily.
Then we went to the playground near by. We were all for pumpkin picking but never got around to it. There were a slew of kids on the playground, a lot Charlie's age so it was a good test for him. We talked to him on the way there about how some kids like to play by themselves and other kids like to play together so it is best to ask first. Well as soon as we turned the corner into the yard, he was yelling, "DO YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?". Most of the kids were very friendly and he played appropriately. He really only had to be redirected when he saw another kid's toy...because he went RIGHT for it. But he moved on easily when we told him 'no'.
He got enthralled and worked up playing and pooped in his pull up! That was a treat. He didn't want to go change it but we did and MAN was that a lesson learned. 4 year olds poop MUCH more than babies! But we survived and he got a new pull up on and back to the playground he went. When it was time to go he gave us some difficulty but eventually came as we started walking out of the playground. On the way back to the safe home he sat in the back seat sucking his thumb "resting". He was a tired boy..as were we!
So here is our plan....Wednesday another visit, likely to the library and maybe dinner with him at the safe home. Saturday we are camping so we are going to pick him up and let him spend the day with us at the campground! If all continues to go well, the first overnight is planned for the weekend of the 24th. We are a tad overwhelmed and nervous but just taking it one step at a time!
Until then...

The next visit

Here is the most recent update:
Charlie went to the dentist today and had an excellent check up; no cavities!! That is great! We hope he likes brushing his teeth more so than JP does!
We will be heading up to the Safe Home on Sunday 10/12 for lunch and pumpkin picking with Charlie! We are very excited!
We will post an update once we are done with our visit...and if this visit goes well, we have a more definite plan for weeks to come.
Until then...

Charlie bit me!

Thanks to Gabe's brother Jared and the link below...this is all Gabe has been saying for the past 3 days. He just likes to say Charlie's name...but no it is not the same Charlie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

Round 2...

Greetings ~ so we went to see Charlie again today. When we arrived at the safe home, he was in time out for being "aggressive" towards the staff. Time out consisted of him being gated in his room that has nothing other than a bed. He lost his dresser for jumping off it and he lost all his toys for misusing them and yesterday, during a fit, he tore down his curtains! As I write this I laugh, which is awful, but to think about it is kind of funny just because he is cute. But I am sure he can be a handful. Luckily we haven't see it yet...even today.
Let me set the scene for you...it was "let's decorate the house for Halloween" day at the safe home...think ghosts, spiders, streamers, lights, everything gory spread across the entire kitchen table. WE were over stimulated never mind the children. Staff were up on ladders stapling, taping and directing. This is a 4 year old's dream! BUT I must say when we arrived, Charlie turned his tears around, played well with us, tried to use the potty because he didn't want us to leave and was well behaved again. He definitely needed redirection, but seriously, go back to the setting and the stimulus. He did everything we asked him to do, even though at times he didn't like it. He gave Gabe a hug over the back which was very cute. He sat quietly with us as we tried counting and ABC's. He was VERY quick to say "I can't do it" so that will need some work.
All in all it was another good visit, nothing out of the ordinary for a 4 year old boy that we can see...and we did try to instigate him a bit, but he just didn't respond. There was some jumping and head flailing but more impulsive behaviors than anything else. He sucks his thumb when he is concentrating...and his fingers and fist when he is REALLY concentrating.
Our next step is to talk to DCF again and see where they are at with moving forward with terminating mom's rights and with seeking a behavioral health evaluation for him. Nothing so far has made us say we are walking away so our next visit will likely be off site (we have to put him in our car!) and perhaps then we will see some other challenging behaviors. He really wants to see JP!! Who can blame him though, really.
Until then...

Another visit!

We are heading back to the Safe Home on Sunday afternoon for another visit with Charlie, it is all confirmed. We'll let you know how it goes!!!
Until then...

Fridays are emotional!

So today was our big visit with Charlie. We got up and took a drive through a very scenic part of CT to get to the safe home...only getting slightly lost. When we got there Charlie came out to greet us in an orange and gray striped shirt with gray sweatpants on. And of course blinking tonka truck sneakers! We went to the play room and just hung out and played with him. We thought other kids would be there, but it was just us, him and his safe home worker. At first, he was stand offish to Gabe. Made sense since he has had zero male role models and the men that have been in his life have been abusive to his mom. But he warmed up to Gabe after Bev asked Gabe to help her with something.
He has very blond hair and blue eyes...which he told us were blue (knows his colors). He is chubby with spikey hair. At one point he looked at Gabe's hair and I swear he was thinking, "your hair is spikey like mine!"
We played with cars and play-doh and a school bus. It was clear that he has learned a lot of colors and shapes but not many letters and that someone used to read to him because he asked Gabe to read him a story, pulled his chair right up next to him and put his hand on Gabe's knee.
He followed directions really well and put his toys away even though it was killing him to do so. There was no yelling or defiance. No throwing of any toys...other than the silly Mr. Potato Head glasses that he has no use for.
We showed him a picture of JP on the cell phone and he looked with very caring eyes and asked if we could bring JP to visit next time.
As we left the visit, he ran out into the parking lot. Bev asked him to hold her hand and he said no, so she grabbed Gabe's hand and Charlie said.."noooo, I want to", so we all walked across the parking lot holding hands. Then he ran away from the safe home worker. (hee hee)
So, we are going to go see him again, maybe Sunday evening if they will allow it, in a different type of setting, maybe with other kids around.
Until then...

The Rollercoaster has begun...

Today was an emotional day in this journey. Bev took time to talk to the social worker at the safe home where Charlie is living and found out that he is really struggling behaviorally, and more importantly, with attachment. Because he has had such little bond with his caregivers over his lifetime, he is at risk for significant issues forming relationships with others in the future. If you wonder more about this you can read up on "Attachment Disorders" or "Reactive Attachment Disorder". We aren't sure yet if he has some mild attachment issues or more significant ones. Just so you know, the only real thing that we wrote down before this process started that, for us, would make us walk away, was Reactive Attachment Disorder. So, as DCF decides if they are willing to do an evaluation on him, we will wait and go see him this Friday. We will not introduce ourselves to him, rather just play with him and the other kids there. But if DCF cannot give us more concrete information about his attachment issues, we may need to walk away from this....which is very sad.
This is not a definite, but we have to see what DCF is willing to do to get this kid an appropriate placement, which may be with us and which may not.
Until then....

A Rainy Day Meeting

We t0ok Friday Sept 26th off from work to have a meeting with DCF. Bev had a hard time getting through the week, thinking every day was Friday. We traveled up to Willimantic, had some lunch...yeah right we were so nervous...but we did eat. Our meeting was at 1pm and we met with our social Worker, Karen, and the 2 Social Workers who work with Charlie. This is what they told us:
He is adorable, everyone in the DCF office wants to take him home
He is impulsive and likes to climb his dresser and jump off of it over to his bed. (Gabe commented, "I did that too")
He has pretty bad tantrums and doesn't like to clean up his toys when he is done playing.
He has great manners and says please and thank you.
He has blond hair and blue eyes and is a little on the husky side. (Gabe commented, "I was too")
He doesn't have much of a bond with his mom and has endured neglect for the past 4 years
He might not have ever had his own bedroom because his mom and he moved around a lot
He loves Matchbox cars, the movie Cars, anything Cars. (Bev commented, "good, our last name is Carr")

Our next step is to go observe him without him knowing that we are potentially his new family. (to write that is unreal!) We plan to go see him one day this week. Until then...

The First Call

On Friday September 19, 2008...we got the first call about Charlie. Well, let me back up first...because the date of the call seems a little more significant with the rest of the story.
We have been working with DCF since January 2007 when we made the decision to learn more about adopting a child who was taken away from their parents due to neglect or abuse. We took classes that finished May 2007 and then...well...waited. We moved in the meantime which took us out of the matching business for a while and then in May 2008 we were back and ready for a call. But not a single call came in. Then Bev started to become irritated, just this month. She attended a meeting at the local DCF for work purposes and made a mental note to call them the next day...which was Sept 19th 2008. Before she could get around to it, Karen Smith, our social worker called her...and told her we had been matched for a 4 year old boy named Charlie. See, doesn't it sound good so far.
Karen gave us some info about Charlie, his age, where he was living, some of what his circumstances were and recommended we go to the DCF office and meet with his Social Worker to get the meat of the info...so that is our plan! Until then...