Update

Today is November 3rd. This will be the longest day of the year. It always is, the day we turn the clock back. I've been up since 7 which is now 6. I'll do that all days too. "Well, it's _ o'clock but that means it's really _!"  Dives me nuts!!
I mentioned the date because I was just thinking that Isaiah has been in the hospital since October 15. That's a long, damn time. And yes, he's still there. Overall there has been progress. He has been less aggressive since last Monday, which is when a lot of things happened. And I hate when that happens. We have no IDEA what caused the slow change because we implemented more than one thing. So last Monday the following happened:

*His doctor increased the medication he's on. 
*We brought in Melatonin for them to give him at night and he finally slept like a baby!
*We changed our visiting plan

Although those may not all seem like things that could spark change, any of them could...alone. Never mind together. I hate when we do that!!!  I think I already mentioned that. Of course the doc is going to think it was the meds. I don't. I think it's a combo of the other 2 components. He's finally sleeping and therefore less agitated over all during the days. And I think he's finally starting to miss home because he isn't seeing one of us daily.  But the doc will think it's the meds, which I hate!!!!

Isaiah had a good Halloween. He decorated a special tee shirt and got to wear it. Had cookies and candy. Called home that night with a belly ache from eating too much. Pretty typical Halloween other than the trick or treating.  We went to visit him yesterday and I gave him a hair cut and nice hot shower. He hasn't been able to shower with his stitches but mommy snuck him in.  During that visit he must have felt close because we saw tears wen we left and we haven't see those in a while. And when he called last night his little voice quivered when he said "I don't want you to hang up. I like to hear your voice."  Ya. That's fun. 

We just keep telling him to do his jobs so he can come home and that we're also sad he's not here with us. You can actually see that he has to think about home vs. the hospital. I can see it. He's comfortable there.  He's still now quite sure about coming home. 

We meet with his team again this Monday to hear their thoughts and potential plan. 
Until then ...

It's been a while...

It has been a very long time since I have looked at or contributed to this blog.  When I woke up this morning, I felt the need to look back at it and add to it.  I realized we are at a point where things may really change for our family and it is probably time to start letting some people in on that information, since it may affect others.
Isaiah is 7 now!  He is in second grade and has a mouth full of "big boy" teeth.  He loves Legos, Star Wars and yes, Sofia the First.  Honestly, she is adorable, have you watched that show?!  He is a master at riding his bike, building things and can hear one fact at school and remember it (meaning repeat it) forever!  He loves to play soccer and watch Football on the weekends.   He is a cutie!

He is also incredibly angry.  Over the past few months he has struggled to maintain safety both at school and at home.  He can rage for long periods of time and become very combative.  And then want to be held like a toddler.  A nearly 70 pound toddler.  As he gets older the neglect he suffered becomes more evident and the pervasive loss he feels for his birth family is palpable.  There are times I actually try to figure out a way to have them in our lives, until I remember we tried that with his sister and she was not interested.  Then I grieve for his loss.

Because he carries such anger and defiance he has had to change schools.  For some reason, he is NOT a fan of second grade and the work can take a hike, in his opinion.  He has basically refused to do school work for the last month and a half.  The new school is supposed to be better equipped to handle his emotions, help him regulate and still challenge him academically.  In case you didn't know, he is ridiculously smart.  This child has so much potential that we fear will get minimized due to his behaviors.  But supposedly the new school will help.  When he gets there.

Isaiah has been hospitalized for the last week due to his unsafe behaviors towards others, including school staff and myself.  His team is trying to come up with a plan that will allow him to come home and be safe.  It is going to take a little while.  Or maybe a long while.  We don't really know.  So we visit regularly and have constant contact with his team.  He has a lot of his favorite things with him and is comfortable there. 

Yesterday he called me in the afternoon.  Around 2pm.  He calls a lot.  His little voice on the phone is so the opposite of some of his behaviors that is is almost heartbreaking to listen to.  We talked and he said "I was worried you weren't going to call me ever again".  He's lived here for 4 years.  We have been involved in every step of his life since then.  And he still worries.  Why?  Because a year ago he called his biological sister for her birthday.  He sang to her.  And she never called him back.  EVER!  Even though she said she would visit him every 2 months he never heard from her again.  And that instance is brought up regularly and carried over into other relationships he has today.  Even with people who are there daily.  The loss is pervasive.  The anger is warranted.

So we are in a bit of a holding pattern with the dude.  His team of docs has been realistic with us.  He will not come home until he is safe, both at home and at school.  Being a mom, I think , OK...it will take time but this will happen.  Being a therapist I know there is a chance he will not come home.  He has to get on board.  He has to join our fight.  Right now, he is not sure he wants to.  It is actually scary for him to be a part of a loving and secure family.

I will try to update this blog more often as we navigate the next steps of this journey.  It is actually easier for me to do it this way....I cry far less than having to tell people in person. (;

update!

WOOOHOO!  We heard this week that our insurance company approved treatment for our family at The Attachment Institute.  Now the Institute and Insurance Co. just need to agree on a rate and we'll be ready to start!  WOOOHOOO!!!

Reframing!

Hello friends and family~

Well we have had an INTERESTING week here in CT.  A large amount of the state remains without power after an unheard of Nor'easter that hit us Saturday night.  It was unreal.  In Colchester we received about 7 inches of snow...which is melting fast.  The larger issue for many is the lack of electricity.  Most of my family remains in the half dark, thanks only to generators.  And it's cold.  COLD!  We are incredibly thankful that we did not lose power and have been able to house my mom, dad and brother...separately.  Utility companies are estimating that most of the state should have power by Sunday...but I honestly don't see how that can happen.  We'll see!

Things at Casa Carr have been rough.  Isaiah has had a tough adjustment to Kindergarten and the combination of having to surrender power to teachers and have social situations with peers has really been difficult for him.  Add to that mix the fact that his therapist is really working on the trauma he endured with his birth mom and is no longer allowing him to believe that she was "THE BEST MOMMY".  He's struggling.  And so are we.  Gabe and I have been rather isolated in recent days and weeks feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated.  So, we finally made the move to push our Insurance company to cover treatment at the Attachment Institute in Worcester, MA.  After a tearful phone call to our Insurance company along with the Institute calling, we are very optimistic that they will approve coverage for treatment.  If so, we will go for 2 weeks straight every day.  As soon as possible.  It has put a little pep back in our step and renewed a glimmer of hope.  The fact that we have already tried other therapists has helped...and our current family therapist actually told us that she is at a crossroads with Isaiah and completely supports our moving to more intensive therapy for him and us.  Thank Goodness!

Finally, onto the subject line of this post...reframing.  Last night I went to a work shop on Vision Boards.  It wasn't great.  The lady was basically there to promote her services but it got me thinking.  I am constantly asking myself WHY we are in this situation.  What are we supposed to get out of this, learn from this?  It makes my brain HURT!  Then this morning something hit me as I was having a conversation with myself...which I often do.  I said, "wait a minute...what if this is not about what I gain from this experience...what if it is about all that I have gained from past experiences allowing me to do the best I can for this kid."  Maybe it's about actually looking back a bit to see that if we hadn't gone through everything we have, as individuals and as a couple, we wouldn't be able to help our son.  Maybe?  I'd say that's one hell of a reframe...but for today, I will hold onto it.

Fall Sunday night!

Ahhhh, do you feel that?  That chill in the air?  Actually it is down right cold, but we are loving it here in CT!  Days that start and end cool but warm up in between.  It was like that all weekend here.  And we loved it.  We had a tag sale all weekend where Grandma Barbie brought a bunch of stuff to sell.  She's moving soon and has to downsize her stuff.  We are *hopeful* that she will end up in town.  Yep, Colchester! We'll see!

Isaiah had a nice weekend.  Played outside and in.  Watched a couple movies and did some TWO wheel bike riding!  Sometimes when we stay home all weekend, it's rough.  Oddly, he doesn't really like to go places but he doesn't really like to stay home either.  Ha!  He completed his first Kindergarten homework assignment this weekend and WE experienced how school can be tricky for adoptive parents.

The assignment was about his name and it was called "The first present my parents gave me".  Whoops.  Not us parents, actually.  His name was outlined on a piece of paper and he had to decide how to decorate it.  He chose buttons and did a great job gluing the buttons onto his name.  I was impressed with his attention to detail and the outcome.  The rest of the assignment was to "talk to your child about why you chose their name and why it is special to you".  Whoops again!  So I emailed his birth mom and just asked her.  She loves that stuff and he loves when I connect with her.  At least we can give him the truth.  And that way if he is asked in class he can tell them.  That's another funny thing.

When I told him the stony and then said "so if Mrs. Tanner asks you where your name came from you can tell her why regular mommy named you that".  He curled up into me and shook his head, "no".  When I asked him why not he said he didn't want to tell anyone that.  I asked for clarification.  He didn't want to tell everyone that he has a regular mommy.  That's what he calls is birth mom.  Is it really possible that he already senses that there can be a negative stigma attached to the life he has to live?  It made me sad for him.  I just told him to do what he felt comfortable with but not to change the truth.  What's interesting is that his best friends are also adopted.  But somehow he still seems to have some shame connected to it.  Buddy.

Well, we are wrapping up the weekend, sadly.  Watching football while Bob snuggles on the couch with us.  Lots of Fall fragranced candles burning, wanting to just keep the weather and feeling like this.  Ahhhh.  Happy week all!

a familiar feeling....

There's a feeling I used to have.  When I could take a big, deep breath in and exhale with pure satisfaction.  When I felt truly fortunate for what we had.  I felt lucky.  Blessed.  It has been a long time since I have had that feeling.  People may think, 'that is terrible'; being that we have adopted a son and had this amazing experience but it has been hard.  This experience has tried us in ways we never imagined and, at times, nearly broken us down.  And it is only now, more than 2 years after Isaiah came to live with us, that I am starting to exhale with comfort again.  To again feel blessed and content.  THAT'S IT.  It is contentment that has been missing.  Yes!  But it is coming back.  I feel it!

People who don't go through this don't understand.  Well, they might with their own biological kids, I guess I don't know that.  But what I know is what we live.  Every day.  And it is amazing, amazingly difficult and amazingly celebratory.

I just had to share this tonight.  Sorry if it seems over indulgent.  But as Gabe and I sat down to watch some MNF and the house was all decked out in Fall decor, I finally did it.  Exhaled and felt fortunate for all that we have.  We have a long road ahead of us with this little boy, but I *think* we finally know we can make it.  Then again, we'll see what tomorrow brings...

revamped blog!

Hello again!
I have changed up the blog with the hopes that I will get back to writing on it and keeping people more up to speed.  I know, it has been a while.


Many things have happened in the few months since I've written:
We went on a family vacation to Cape Cod
Isaiah turned 5!
We endured a Hurricane...which delayed the start of Kindergarten by nearly a week.
Isaiah started Kindergarten!!!


That last item has been pretty huge here.  Of course, it is huge for every family I am sure.  Isaiah was eager to start Kindergarten after a great summer at a new program that he loved.  He really had a fabulous summer...even if he might not admit it!  When the start of school got delayed, things went a little nutty here.  Isaiah's anxiety really elevated and we all lost it for a few days. 
On Friday Sept 2 we all went to CES for the meet and greet.  We all got to meet Isaiah's teacher, Mrs. Tanner, and check out the classroom.  The PTO had an ice cream social, so how could we go wrong?  Isaiah loved that part, of course.  He seemed pretty excited to start the following Tuesday.
That day, a parent had to attend with their child and the session was only 45 minutes.  It was really very cute.  The kids got their lockers and learned some of the classroom rules.  The teacher read a story, The Kissing Hand.  And that's when mommy lost it a bit.  I sat there watching this little boy try his hardest but clearly anxious in his new setting.  He sat and listened to the story while I thought "the rest of you parents have no idea what this little guy has been through".  I know all kids have their struggles, but every once in a while when I stop and think about it, I get overwhelmed with sadness and fear for the Dude.  Most parents don't know his background and the ones that do find Isaiah to be extra awesome.  We just try to get through each day, one at a time.
As I write this Isaiah is asleep...been asleep since 6pm.  Because Kindergarten is HARD!  He loved his first week and is finally settling down a bit.  Let's hope we all do.
This weekend we are heading to a local fair and having a neighborhood block party.  Should be fun!!